Three years passed...

... since my oldest son died.

I changed a lot.
It doesn't say anything.
I'm hoping to bring the meaning to your death.
Will I succeed?

I did it!

Today is a big day. My husband agreed to pose nude for my drawing. Well...I think the result is not so bad for the beginning. Half of the day I spend trying to get his permission to post the drawing on my blog. He refuses. Keep trying, babe, and you'll get it.

Medications

I hate my meds, if you know what I mean. Being not a healthy person is not fun, especially when we are talking about mental health. My meds give me all possible side effects they can. They make my brain stop. The most hateable part is a depression. But. I can't explain it, but depression gives me a feeling of consciousness I never experienced before. It was a good joke of God to give me that kind of spiritual journey. By the way, I hate God's sense of humor too.

Drawing with markers gives me a surprisingly good feeling. I discovered that I like to draw quickly with vibrant colors, not thinking about perfect shape.... My husband calls my creations "Flowers from Hell". Let it be for now.

Father

He had an artistic mind, he collected books and posters about visual art and artists. When I was a child once or twice he told me that I have a good sence of shape and color. Why didn't I start painting then? It is so hard to obtain those skills being adult. But perhaps this is my most important lesson of life: reinvent myself in an age when people usually not doing that. Thanks, dad. You always will be in my heart.